It’s no secret that we’re madly in favour of informed personal autonomy at KnowYourStuffNZ. You have the right to put things into your body, if you choose to do so and you aren’t hurting anyone else. Getting hurt because someone lied to you about what they sold you is not an acceptable consequence to this choice. Nobody has the right to shame you because you’ve made a choice to take drugs or drink alcohol.

Equally, you also have the right to NOT put things into your body if that’s what you’re choosing to do. Nobody gets to shame you for choosing not to take drugs or drink alcohol.

Lots of people are choosing to reduce their intake or not to take drugs at festivals now. Some folks want to put the brakes on, but still love the party scene and hanging out with friends. So we thought we’d put together a lil’ guide for party people that also party with people that are slowing down their hedonism.

This could be for any reason, whether they want to have a rest from the party scene for a month or two. Or they could have recognised their relationship with substances is becoming a bit more chaotic and challenging than they’re comfortable with. Either way, they’re still your friend, and they’re still going to want to hang out with you.

Figure out boundaries for the new normal

If your non-partaking friend is dialling down their hedonism it can take a little while for everyone to adjust. They might not be ok with you coming back from the dance floor and unburdening your soul at them at 5am any more, where before your 5am yarns were a staple part of your bond. Or they might trust you not to tempt them with something they want, but might not necessarily be good for them, like if they’re your usual MDMA buddy and they’ve started SSRIs. You love your friend and don’t want to give them serotonin syndrome. But also, it’s tradition, damnit, and the massage train just isn’t the same without them.

Have conversations with your non-partaking friend about what kind of shenanigans they’re happy to have. This sets expectations and avoids the kind of misunderstandings that lead to friend break-ups.

Still include them

Substances aren’t a necessary ingredient for memorable fun, but friends are. If you’ve got hijinks planned that will be awesome fun your non-partaking friend is going to want to join in. They’re still your friend and they’re still going to have a great time hanging out with you while you dance up a storm or go to the art gallery and get lost in the patterns of the wallpaper.

Support them!

Good on you for making the effort to understand your friends’ boundaries and make sure they’re still included in the fun!

You could also take it a step further and figure out how to actively support them. This might seem difficult as it means that you might have to sacrifice some of your own desires or inhibit yourself in ways that you wouldn’t otherwise – such as not consuming in front of them or being their sober buddy for a night.

Ask how they would like your support. If their request list is something you can manage, you’ll get the #1 BFF award. If you want to win the BFF crown to go with the award, plan something fun ahead of time for your friend to do while everyone else is dropping for the evening. That’ll make their FOMO struggle easier to deal with.

Participants vs. tripsitter (or sober driver)

Just because someone’s not partaking, that doesn’t automatically make them your designated responsible person. Tripsitting is a big responsibility and, depending on the substance, might be a full day’s commitment. Have the conversation with them first and plan your adventure accordingly.

And don’t take the piss. If they say yes to tripsitting once, that doesn’t mean that it’s their job from now on just because they’re not partaking any more.

Same goes for being the sober driver – there’s a good chance they’ll be happy to, but you shouldn’t assume that the sober person automatically takes on designative driver responsibilities every. Single. Time. Everyone takes turns at being responsible for the real world and planning the shenanigans for their friends under (or not under) the influence.

No is a complete sentence

If someone says they don’t want to take drugs or drink booze or whatever, they should only need to say it once. Especially if they’re dialling back for health reasons. Trying to change their mind after they’ve said no is rude and just plain annoying. You’ve basically become Ron, but for intoxicants instead of smash.

Also (and we can’t believe we have to say this), don’t slip them something without them knowing. That’s called spiking and it’s a good way to get yourself on a police watchlist.

Your desire to have intoxicated fun with your friend doesn’t outweigh their right to say no. There’s also the fallout to consider – Are they still going to want to be your friend when they realise you’ve disrespected them so badly?

Read more about drugs and consent in our KnowYourYes post.

Basically…

If someone is dialling back on their hedonism, they’ve got a reason. You might not know the reason, and that’s ok. People can be sober for a wide variety of reasons, and they don’t owe you an explanation. That reason is valid. If they’re your friend, you’re going to want to help them, because that’s what friends do.